Sunday, January 4, 2009

Vampires Don't Sparkle!

I am by no means a horror purist. If a writer wants to change their definition of a particular monster or creature so that it better fits their vision, then who am I to stop them or criticize them? Considering that the popular monsters of today come from folklore all over the world, it makes perfect sense that not every writer will chose to include some aspect of their popular mythology. Having said that, I do believe that there are some rules that need to be followed always: zombies don't run and vampires don't sparkle. I would have thought that both of these two rules are self-explanatory, but I suppose that they aren't. My evidence? Twilight:

"Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny
diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal."(260).

My problem with this isn't the fact that he's in the sun. Like I said, if a writer wants to change aspects of popular mythology in order for a monster to fit their vision, then that's great. Besides, early vampire folklore doesn't even mention the sun. I'm pretty sure the sun-allergy doesn't come up until Bram Stoker, actually. Nor is it the purple prose, although it's rather dreadful as well.

No, my problem with this is the fact that he's sparkling. Last time I checked, vampires were supposed to be frightening. Perhaps this is just me, but I don't find sparkly objects terrifying. When was the last time you saw somebody running away in abject terror from a diamond? That's what I thought. Glitter and sparkles have never scared anybody ever. So, why on earth would anybody ever make a vampire sparkle? Really, I don't understand it. Edward Cullen might as well be covered in pink satin while riding a unicorn. The sparkle-factor completely eradicates any potential to frighten anybody.

What happened to making vampires badasses? Why did that suddenly stop? If I wanted a character that was sparkly, I would have watched My Little Pony. I would not have picked up a book about vampires. Vampires are supposed to be creatures who were damned from their search for immortality. They are humans who have become un-human. And that is why they are terrifying. What the hell does sparkling have to do with that?

(Pictured: Nosferatu. Not Pictured: Sparkles.)

Is it too much to ask for vampires who actually deserve the title? And, if it isn't, then how long am I going to have to wait before vampires start being vampires again? How long until this sparkling menace goes away?

17 comments:

Grim North said...

Just to clarify slightly: the scene from the picture you posted is the first time, I believe, in vampire literature that a vampire was killed with sunlight. Stoker's Dracula, for instance, walked about during the day without any problem. Otherwise, i concur.

Anonymous said...

If you read the book, (it doesn't sound like you did!) you would notice the author's reasons behind Vampires sparkling: it is one of many of the Vampires' natural lures to lure in unsuspecting humans with their beauty and make them more suceptable for the kill. DUH! (LOL.)

Anonymous said...

Vampires are not natural creatures. the main point of being a vampire is that you sold your humanity for immortality. One of the things required in vampirism's immortality is to feed off of humans. Any vampire that does not feed off humans and can find a substitute is no vampire in my book.

Anonymous said...

YES! Fianlly some one who has not been sucked into the Twilight cult by sparkling vampires. Vampires dont sparkle and Dracula along with all of the other respectable undead would be turning in their coffins if they found out about this madness. Also how do the call themselves vampires if they don't feed on humans, it's a shame. Not to mention the fact that vampires don't usuall have soft spots for little insignificant mortals. Such an Epic Fail Stephanie Meyer.

Anonymous said...

Twilight did indeed suck. Having said that some of my favorite vampires were head over heels with mortals, even Bram Stoker's Dracula heavily pursued a mortal girl to be his bride. Also some vampires have found alternate food sources (Louis and his rats), but were not sated until they drank from a human. The problems I had with Twilight was the gay sparkles (which would only attract little girls or gay men),the lack of action (even Louis burnt down a theatre full of vampire), and the immaturity level of hundred year old vampire. I read all four books and it was by far the biggest waste of time ever.

Dr. Snakehand said...

All I have to say is Thank You, it's not just me then.

Lestat said...

Thank you so much for posting this, you're my hero. This "Cult of the Twilight" is getting on my nerves. It wasn't too bad when it started but with New Moon just coming out(I'm currently posting this comment as my gf is at the theater watching it *sigh*) it seems to have spurred an uprising in this walking group of people who are in their little cliques of posing vampire lovers. These people need to watch REAL vampire movies. I haven't seen much of the original black and white Dracula movies but, I do have a thing for 80's and 90's vampire movies: Lost Boys, Queen of the Damned, etc. (Those are just my top 2 favorites.) Vampires burst into flames in the sun, have REAL fangs, are usually elegant, and absolutely 100% DO NOT SPARKLE!

Anonymous said...

As Nick Knight (Forever Knight) once said, "I don't tan, I don't burn, I implode" He never mentioned anything about sparkling.

Unknown said...

When questioned about why he doesn't sparkle, Damon in Vampire Diaries says" I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun"

Anonymous said...

Even i thought about it like mad.
Why the hell does he sparkle????
Thus the reason for the nickname i have given rob: SPARKLES.
and as for it being one way to lure
humans, DRACULA did it with his gentleman nature and charm(from wikipedia:Dracula can exude a veneer of aristocratic charm which masks his unfathomable evil) not by SPARKLING!!!!
He might as well turn into cotton candy, or a prettty bird, or a briefcase filled with millions of dollars(that would lure a hell lot of people). and in the movies, i'm sorry to say, edward looks more like a model for mens fashion than a vampire.
GOD HELP US ALL.

Dawn said...

I love the post! Edward sparkling is just wrong on many levels. Truthfully, the only way I finally wrapped my head around a remote possibility of vampires sparkling was the mention of venom later in the book. I really reached and thought that maybe the sparkling was a reflection off of venom crystals within his cells. Like I said, it was a pretty far reach.

The books aren't really good and I won't partake of them again; however, I admit it was a little guilty pleasure to read something so mindless between textbooks and research material.

luy said...

Meyer's "vampires" are for pre-teen girls and emos wannabe. People, ¡VAMPIRES NEVER SPARKLE AT THE SUNLIGHT! trust me...

Happy Mercenary Studios said...

Years later, this is still angering enough to make a movie about it.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1233491585/vampires-dont-sparkle-the-movie

Anonymous said...

For vampires that don't sparkle, I highly recommend Modern Marvels - Viktoriana. A real Gothic horror novel.

Anonymous said...

Lts true vampires should burn in the sun! Burst into flames! The fire eating away at their undead flesh, untill nothing but a little miserable pile of secre- eh i mean ashes remain. What's even worse is that if you search for vampire on the appstore, the second app is one that turns a photo of you into a vampire photo. Guess what happens whit your skin? They call it vampire glow! Vampires don't sparkle goddamnit!

Anonymous said...

vampires dont sparkle dracula didnt sparkle angel and spike ofF buffy didnt sparkle!!! my conclusion is that edward must secretly be a gay vampire why else wouldnt he burst into flames. watch buffy the vampire slayer if you want some hot vampires that dont sparkle. sun is meant to be deadly to vampires i mean come on people get it right vampires DO NOT SPARKLE!!!!:(

Desdemona said...

It is against the laws of nature for vampires to sparkle. Cullen is not a vampirw though...he is a pixie. Team Edward...ELRIC!