Forgiveness?

It's been almost two weeks since I last posted, but in my defence, my life has been pretty hectic. Between papers and essays and study abroad applications and required reading and non required reading and tutoring and bronchitis, I really haven't had the time. (And for the record, the bronchitis is damn annoying. I went through two packs of cough drops in as many days...so, yes, bronchitis is my excuse. I'm sorry my lungs hate me.)
This probably won't come off as well-polished or even well-thought out. But Stef mentioned some time ago that I'm better at sharing my soul-which is ridiculous, since I'm fairly certain I don't-so here goes. When I was little, my mom always told me that if I did something to hurt someone else, I had to apologize. And if someone hurt me and apologized, then I had to forgive them. When I was younger, this really wasn't that difficult, not because I didn't have anything to forgive people for, but because I actually believed that forgiving someone changed things. When I got a little older I realized that forgiveness was a struggle, and that forgiving meant a restoration of trust, a restoration of love. I was able to forgive people, even myself, eventually. And I took great pride in that, because it meant that I was a good person. I believed that I was able to forgive just about everything.

I was wrong. Really, really, wrong. Last semester things between me and one person got very ugly. Downright hideous, actually. I'm talking freak-show carny ugly, here. I don't want to get into specifics, because I don't want to actually come out and name her, but we essentially had an abusive PLATONIC (and I cannot possibly stress that word enough) relationship. I was terrified of her. Ok, I still sort of am. She was incredibly emotionally abusive towards me, and for the longest time I told myself that she needed me to be her scapegoat, and because I could stand it, I should. But I couldn't stand it for long. There's only so many times you can exploit a person's guilt complex before they fight back. (I, however, have a ridiculously large guilt complex, and because I'm a coward I didn't fight back; I ran away. It was just as effective.) I've been made fun of before because of my guilt, but she was gleefully and slowly driving me insane. (Not that I wasn't already incredibly close to the edge, but she wanted to push me completely off.) I was in hell all of last semester, and it was mostly because of her. (To be fair, I had some other issues as well, but they wouldn't have been nearly as destructive without her influence.) Some of the things she's said, and some of the things she's done I will never be able to forget.
It seems that I won't be able to forgive them, either. I've tried, but I cannot forgive her. And that scares the hell out of me. This is the first time I've ever not forgiven someone. (To be fair, she has never actually apologized.) I feel like such a terrible person for being unable to move past this, but I cannot forgive her. I don't even want to be in the same room with her. I can't stand to be around her, or listen to her, or even look at her. I want nothing to do with her. I know that the right thing to do is to forgive her, and to forget this past semester, but I can't. I am still so hurt, and still so angry, and I don't know if I'll ever get past that. And if that makes me a bad person, then I'm just a bad person. I'm sorry for this long and emo-esque rant, and I promise that my next post will be about something happy, like kittens or puppies or rainbows or unicorns, or something equally saccharine.