Picture Imperfect

This is something that Kat and I found earlier today. It's one of our old high-school satiric rants that I've copied pretty much verbatim.

Picture Imperfect:

Student IDs are Gone But Not Forgotten

From now on, students at DCHS will no longer need to have pictures taken of them. This landmark decision was started after a large-scale student protest broke out last week. The protest originated from students receiving their ID's, which many thought were unflattering. "Everybody knows the school pictures look terrible. That's why I get mine done professionally," said Bethany Cilantro, grade 11. Several students also thought that being forced to take pictures year after year is religiously offensive. These students believe that part of their soul is taken away with every picture. "It's very traumatic to watch a light flash in your eyes and know that an important part of your spirit has been stolen. And for what? Some picture that doesn't even look good," Cassandra Kateri Tekakwitha, grade 10, said. Whether the pictures are soul stealing or not, the fact remains that all students hate their pictures. There are several reasons for this. Firstly, picture day is known world-wide as Bad Hair Day. This day is actually celebrated as a holiday in Australia, New Zealand, and Canada. Of course, there is no actual celebration, because that would mean that individuals would have to leave their houses.

Also, it is a scientific fact that the night before picture day, every student will get a gigantic zit somewhere on their face. This is caused by the tremendous amount of stress that every student experiences before picture day. The stress causes oils and sweat to excrete from glands. The oil then leaks onto the face which closes the pores, and creates the bane of all adolescents, the zit. So, from now on, we no longer have to have pictures taken. But what about the yearbook, you may ask? The yearbook will give each student a 1"x1.5" space (the size their picture would have been). This space can be filled with whatever the student desires. Personally, I will be writing a 1,000 word essay on how the logging industry dramatically shortens the life of the tiger salamander, Ambystoma tigrinum. (Bring your magnifying glasses people!) The administration is freeing students from the tyranny of having to take bad pictures by eliminating them. And of course, because getting a better photographer would cost too much.

Since the September 11 terrorist attacks, airlines and many government corporations have tightened their security, and so proved there are much better means of identifying a person than their picture. So in replacement of ID pictures will be fingerprint impressions, which will fit to the grooves of each individual student's middle finger. The new security system at DCHS will learn to identifying all faculty and students, excluding, of course, the new freshmen, by their cornea scans, DNA structure, (All students will be required to give a minimum of one pint of blood at the beginning of each school year for analysis), vocal patterns and dental records. We are pleased to inform you that this automated security will only raise tuition by $2,000 per student this year. Cornea scans will be necessary to enter the building as well as each individual classroom. A DNA scan will be administered before entering the main office. The library's new computers will be accessed through voice recognition. Finally, to enter or exit any restroom, dental records must be activated by our highly advanced security system, taking as a little as thirty minutes. These security measures include all faculty members, with the exception of our principal. We applaud our administration for taking these drastic steps to respect the student body's opinion, ensure our safety and eliminate imperfection throughout our fine school.