Vampires Don't Sparkle!

I am by no means a horror purist. If a writer wants to change their definition of a particular monster or creature so that it better fits their vision, then who am I to stop them or criticize them? Considering that the popular monsters of today come from folklore all over the world, it makes perfect sense that not every writer will chose to include some aspect of their popular mythology. Having said that, I do believe that there are some rules that need to be followed always: zombies don't run and vampires don't sparkle. I would have thought that both of these two rules are self-explanatory, but I suppose that they aren't. My evidence? Twilight:

"Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny
diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal."(260).

My problem with this isn't the fact that he's in the sun. Like I said, if a writer wants to change aspects of popular mythology in order for a monster to fit their vision, then that's great. Besides, early vampire folklore doesn't even mention the sun. I'm pretty sure the sun-allergy doesn't come up until Bram Stoker, actually. Nor is it the purple prose, although it's rather dreadful as well.

No, my problem with this is the fact that he's sparkling. Last time I checked, vampires were supposed to be frightening. Perhaps this is just me, but I don't find sparkly objects terrifying. When was the last time you saw somebody running away in abject terror from a diamond? That's what I thought. Glitter and sparkles have never scared anybody ever. So, why on earth would anybody ever make a vampire sparkle? Really, I don't understand it. Edward Cullen might as well be covered in pink satin while riding a unicorn. The sparkle-factor completely eradicates any potential to frighten anybody.

What happened to making vampires badasses? Why did that suddenly stop? If I wanted a character that was sparkly, I would have watched My Little Pony. I would not have picked up a book about vampires. Vampires are supposed to be creatures who were damned from their search for immortality. They are humans who have become un-human. And that is why they are terrifying. What the hell does sparkling have to do with that?

(Pictured: Nosferatu. Not Pictured: Sparkles.)

Is it too much to ask for vampires who actually deserve the title? And, if it isn't, then how long am I going to have to wait before vampires start being vampires again? How long until this sparkling menace goes away?

An Open Letter to Stephenie Meyer

Ms. Meyer,
I'm not entirely sure how to begin this letter, because there are so many things that I want to say to you. I suppose I should begin by telling you that I read your first book, Twilight. Not really because I wanted to, you understand, but mainly because I was so curious to see what all of the fuss was about. I don't know if you've noticed, since you're probably to busy enjoying making more money than I will ever see, but there's a lot of fuss about these books. And I was curious. Now, the problem for me, Stephenie, (I'm sorry, do you mind if I call you Stephenie? Typing out Ms. Meyer every time I want to address you directly is going to take too long.) is that I still don't understand the fuss. I mean, the book wasn't as bad as I was expecting it to be, but it also certainly isn't The Great American Novel, either. It's pretty much the perfect example of a book that someone would bring to read at the beach: a petty distraction and the kind of book that nobody would be devastated if they lost it. To be entirely honest, all of the characters are completely one-dimensional, especially Bella and Edward. With the other characters, it's a little harder to notice because they aren't in as much of the book. But I found Bella to be completely lacking in a personality. She doesn't do anything but fall in love, which is something that really doesn't require a lot of effort. And don't get me started on Edward. Perhaps you'll argue that I'm not in the right demographic to be a fan of Twilight, but I'm fairly certain that that isn't true. While the book is considered to be "young adult," which generally translates to "teenager," and I am 20 and so no longer fall under that title, I know many people (alright, women) who also do not fit the demographic and who have loved the book. So, I don't think that's the reason. But there has to be some reason for why these otherwise extremely intelligent young women would collectively obsess over what is a mediocre book at best. I can't understand what it is, though. I asked a close friend of mine who has read all four books why she read them. This was her reply: "It's like crack cookies*. They're of no substance or real appeal and you're horrified for eating them but you can't stop 'cause you're hooked." So, I suppose you've created some sort of literary crack. Are you proud of yourself?

There are a lot of problems that I see in your book. I'm not talking about the ridiculous amount of adjectives that you insist on using, either. Seriously, I don't think I have ever read that much purple prose in one book before. (Or, as you would probably prefer "amethyst text.") And, considering the narrator is 17, the adjectives seem even more over the top. I have a very hard time believing that any 17-year-old talks like that. (And I would know, Stephenie, seeing as how I was one only 3 years ago.) But that wasn't what I was going to criticize you for, I'm sorry. There are two major problems that I want to talk to you about, one of which will end up in its own post. The first is that the relationship between Edward and Bella is highly disturbing, and that I think you're setting a very poor example for young girls with that relationship. The second is that vampires don't sparkle. (That will be in a separate post because I don't think I have enough room to tackle both of these at once.)

In all seriousness, however, the relationship between Edward and Bella seems unhealthy at best. After Bella discovers that Edward is a vampire (Did she seriously have to google vampires? How is it possible that she didn't know what vampires were? Really?), she decides to not act on the knowledge, "Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now."(139). Really? Really? Do you honestly believe that the first reaction a girl would have on finding out that the boy she has a crush on is a vampire would be to shrug it off? I could understand her choosing to ignore Edward being a vampire if she had thought for more than a second about what that would actually mean. But she didn't. Because she had already decided that she would dedicate herself to him. Later on in the book, it's revealed that Edward watches Bella sleep. Honestly, Stephenie, if I woke up and saw any vampire, even Edward, watching me sleep, I would give his sparkling ass a restraining order. Do you have any idea how creepy that sounds? That is seriously screwed up. And another thing, Stephenie: Edward and Bella have only been together for a few months when Bella asks Edward to turn her into a vampire so that 'they can live together forever.' Do you have any idea of the message you're sending to young, impressionable pre-teen girls? You're essentially telling them that "It's ok to have low self-esteem because it will help you find an Edward Cullen of your very own. And once you find a man, you should devote every aspect of your life to him. If he's stalking you or watching you sleep, it's only because he loves you so very much. And don't forget that you are going to want to spend the rest of your life with him, even if you've only known each other for a few months, because the first man you meet is obviously your soul mate." Seriously, this is a horrible message to send out. While most of your readers know that this is a horrible message, I'm very worried about the ones who are too young to know that. And you should be too.
Sincerely,
Kat

*Crack cookies is a term that refers to the sugar cookies with bright colored frosting that are sold at supermarkets and have no real taste. The name comes from a joke that the cookies are made up of sugar, flour, water, and crack. The cookies taste horrible and yet people cannot seem to stop eating them.